Tuesday, July 12, 2005

I felt important at that moment

My boyfriend and I went out for dinner just now. Before we leave the car, suddenly he hold my hand and he lied down. He asked why am I not holding his hand tight. Suddenly I felt important at that particular moment. I realized that he needed to feel belonged. He needed me to make him feel that he was not alone. Then he kissed my hand and said he loves me. We went through a bad day today. He was feeling depressed and I don't know what to do to make him feel better. I tried my best and accompanied him without making a noise. But I know somehow he wanted me to say something. I did try to talk to him. Things are better compare to last time. Last time he was really disappointed whenever he hoped that I would say something comforting which I didn't and I just kept quiet instead. Well, to be honest, I was lost. I didn't know what to do at all. He wanted me to say something, and what I can think of is to ask how was he feeling. I know it was not enough and I felt really helpless. Now, I have been trying to express my concern instead of keeping it inside my heart. How I wish I can do more just to make him feel better. I do feel disappoinment on myself. Things getting better now but I still can't really comfort him when he was depressed.

We used to quarrel a lot and ended up we don't talk to each other for one day. We didn't really solve the problems between us. Then conflicts accumulated day by day. There was this point where I almost wanted to end this relationship as I can't take the pressure anymore. He is a bad tempered person and he always angry on me which I really don't see the reason why. I realized his anger on me was his way to push away the responsibilities and blame me instead of himself. He just merely wanted to make himself feel better. I was tolerating until I hardly stay in silence on how he mistreated me. So there was this day we were quarrel about something, and I requested that we should talk. As usual, we had a big fight which I predicted. Then I went home because I hardly see he was putting effort on solving our problems. He called me later and we were talking in a more calm and rational positions. We decided to be more understanding to each other. I will be more tolerating with his temper. Things went well since then.

Yesterday we were arguing again. One significant improvement was we settled the argument right on that day. Before this, we used to quarrel then refused to talk to each other for one day. But this time, he willing to talk and sort things out calmly right on spot. So you can say that I am happy.

The point here is I am always the one who can tolerate with him and behave in a more patience way. He is the opposite way where he gets frustrated easily and unable to tolerate me. Then, I am not being very helpful in reducing his stress or cheering him up. But he always been able to put a smile on my face whenever I needed him. So from these, I realized both of us with different abilities and personalities are compromising and fulfilling each other needs in our own different ways. That explained why we still love each other until now. I always think that we have to work together to make this relationship works. I can't do it on my own. Instead of emphasizing on his disadvantages, I always remind myself on how nice he is and why I like him at the first place. Couples tend to forget why they fall for each other at the first place after they have been together for a period of time. The reasons they hate each other now are always the reasons they love each other from the first sight. For example, a wife is complaining about her husband of spending most of his time in the office instead of with her. She thinks that he is working maniac and does not care about her but his work only. However, if she goes back to the past, she will realize she was attracted to her husband because he is a responsible man who take his work seriously and always wanted to provide a better and secure life for his family. People tend to change the way they see things without realizing it. How sad if the couple ended up divorce as the wife thought that the husband does not love her anymore.

You might think the example I gave is not a strong argument. But I did give a good one. That's why I named this my hidden spot where I reveal my hidden rants without hesitation and not necessary for you to read if you feel unpleasant. However, I do accept second party opinions. I like to open myself to opinions. But that does not mean I will take one blindly. A good one can help me improve, right? I always do try to be a better person. Not the best but only a better one. So I always have rooms to improve. If I'm become the best, I can improve no more. Then my life will be meaningless because I cannot pursue any valuable knowledge anymore. So, I do talk a lot to myself. There are always debates and conversations within me. I talk to myself while I do my thinking. I am trying to see matters in every possibilities and evaluate issues in different perspectives.

One thing for sure, I'm not insane. But if you do think I'm weird, I might agree with you. *smile*

p/s: thanks for the compliment by prophecywatch. I take it that you were talking about my writing skill. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Two-sided

I am jealous of my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. I just cannot help it. Why does he has to behave so caring towards her? How I wish I can just ask him to stay away from her. Well, they do not see each other very often. It's just that sometimes we met her in the mall because she always working for some fairs. He knows that I do not feel comfortable seeing her or talking about her. He does being very understanding of my unpleasantness. Well, there is no reason for me to jealous of her. I'm not that kind of person who jealous of other people no matter what reason. But this time, I just cannot help it. This unpleasant feeling just comes out naturally whenever she appears. Hmm. How I wish I do not feel this way because it's really making me unhealthy. I do understand there is nothing for me to jealous about her. Of course she is slimmer than me which I really do admire this point, but I do think I have a more confident appearance than her. Oh my god, what am I doing here comparing myself with her? We are totally two different souls! I shouldn't have. I shall learn to overcome this jealousy everytime he shows his concern to her which are concerns for a friend, I supposed. This does not happens oftenly. It's just happens a few times whenever we met her somewhere which provokes the jealousy inside me. I just do not feel comfortable.

How weak a mortal can be? How much they willing to sacrifice and how far they can go to keep somebody away from the others? because of jealousy?

I do aware that this jealousy will broaden the gap between me and him if it gets worse. Is it because I do not feel secure enough about this relationship? Or is it because the trust of me on him does not appear to be strong enough as it was expected?

Why am I doubting here of the trust between us? I realized deep down inside me, there is a small, tiny unnoticed part which reflects that I do not really trust him. He never does anything bad to me or behind me. But why? Why I can't just trust him 100%? instead of less than that? Is it because I'm still suffering under the trauma of being cheated by my ex-boyfriend who had misused my trust and did not appreciates my love at all? I don't know. I can't trust him fully. The insecureness emerges whenever I feel confuse or I'm thinking that he is hiding something from me. All these might not be true because I might merely overreacting. I'm just too sensitive.
I need some fresh air. This is like another side of me. The negative side. It really shocks me sometimes about how I feel or what I think towards certain things which I usually I do not behave in this way.

This leads me to another question. How extreme a human being can behave? Does everyone has two-sided personalities? Is it because the other side of their personalities do not appeal clearly so they are not classified as having psychological problems? Just that some people with their other side of personalities are more appealing or these personalities are more active, so they are abnormal and suffering psychological problems? I do believe that everyone has two types of personalities. One which is indicated as normal and another one is hidden deep down inside one's soul which is hardly clarify and if it does, it will be more appealing and the others will see it as abnormal.

I'm a cheerful yet emotional person. I can joke around with my friends and I will cry for a sad story. There is this book named Chinese Cinderella and I was crying in the middle of the night while reading how this girl was totally abandoned by her father and family as they thought her arrival to this world resembled bad luck. My boyfriend did say I cry easily. Yes, I do. I get emotionally attached to someone or something easily. When I went for a trip and I saw how low income households work for a living in small village, I was really amazed and hope one day I can do something to improve their standard of living and reduce poverty. Some of my friends will think that I'm weird as I voiced my sympathy towards strangers because they do not think it is necessary. They laughed about it unintentionally. But I do meant what I felt about the less well-off ones. I know everyone does.

Ok this post is slowly get drifted away from the first topic. And now I'm talking about poverty. Well, everyone talks about poverty recently regarding to the Live 8. Well, it's really a good thing. It's like an alarm towards the world to make us see how terrible is poverty and debts problem in third world countries. I will not say more here as articles with facts can be get from more reliable sources comparing to my rumblings. Just want to say we all are blissful to have more than we needed and appreciate everyone and everything.

Friday, July 08, 2005

The Hidden One

Now here I am, creating a tiny little space for myself. I called it My Hidden Spot where I can rant about anything deep down inside of me but far beyond mortals' eyes. Well this is just a new-house-warming post. Now, off I go to search for a comforting blogskin so when I drop by to relax while putting up the DO NOT DISTURB sign, I feel safe and belonged.